�I geared myself up to tell Leo's family my deep, dark, shameful secret last weekend.� I need to tell them before I send out the save the date cards, in case they no longer want some people to come.� I was going to tell them on Saturday, but then Leo found out that the Lion's game he thought was on Sunday, was really on Saturday and we had to go because it was a work thing.�

So, Sunday was it.� I had to tell them on Sunday.� All weekend I had been mentally preparing myself.� His family is so darn conservative that the thought of their eldest son marrying a divorced woman (marked with a scarlet D) would just be too much.� Really, that might be upsetting for any family, but even more so for his.� I had thought it would be better for them to get to know me first, but now I'm afraid that they will feel betrayed because I was not up front with them.� It's true that I should have told them earlier.� It just seemed like one thing after another kept coming up.� I know that's just an excuse, where there is no excuse, but that is what happened.

So I got dressed on Sunday like I was preparing for my own trial (does this dress make me look innocent?).� I felt sick to my stomach all weekend and I was on the verge of crying.� Their reaction would set the tone for the rest of my life.� It would be possible (though, hopefully, not probable) that they would banish Leo and I from the family all together.� More likely, they will be upset, there will be much discussion, then I will be accepted as a calculated risk and treated coldly for the rest of my life.� Think I'm being overly dramatic?� Leo's brother married a protestant and they can barely handle it.�

We went to noon mass.� I was really hoping that the readings would have a forgiveness theme, or even include scenes of Jesus preaching to lepers and whores, followed by a homily on how the lost sheep that is found is the most loved.� I told this to Leo after church, he tried to joke to lighten my mood (C'mon, cholderby, you're not a leper) and I broke down crying.� We ate lunch in silence.� I had lost my appetite and still felt like I was on the verge of throwing up.� I pictured myself going to his parent's house, asking them to come into the study so that we can talk, then rushing off to the bathroom to throw up.� Would they be relived to find out that I wasn't pregnant, only divorced?� Probably not.

On the way over there, we listened to the Prairie Home Companion.� Leo loves it.� I don't like hearing Garrison Keillor breathe through his nose.� It's very loud and it is audible regularly.� Whenever he does it, I can visualize air ruffling through his nose hair and it makes me ill.� Leo wanted to drive around until he was done with the News from Lake Wobegon.��� With every minute that passed, I felt sicker and sicker, more and more convinced of my imminent banishment (like Ayla in Clan of the Cave Bear, the would see me as dead).

"And that's the News from Lake Wobegon, where the women are fit, the men good looking, and all of the children are above average..."

It occurred to me that all I had to say was "Let's not do this" and we'd go home and have a pleasant Sunday afternoon.� I might have said it too, if I didn't know that I'd just have to live through another emotional buildup like this one in order to finally tell them.� I couldn't go through it again.�

There was an unfamiliar car in his parent's driveway.� His sister and brother in law where in town.� We drove past, trying to figure out what to do.� We decided to go in, and - if the opportunity presents itself - we'd tell them.� We drove up the driveway...parked...I was clutching my stomach...opened the door...and they weren't home.� I had considered calling them ahead of time, but I was afraid that it would only upset them more (Hi, can I come over?� I need to talk to you.� Is everything OK?� What's going on???).

So I still haven't done it.� We've considered just writing a letter, but I know I'd spend a week or so afterwards in agony trying to gauge their reaction.� I can't wait to get it over with, I feel like its a dark weight on my chest.� It makes it hard to breathe.

In other, far happier news:� I got the promotion.� I will be the Senior Lead Auditor, whenever I start (which may not be until October).� I am completely under qualified for the position:

CPA, CISA, CISSP preferred...I have none of them
5 - 10 years experience...Well, I've been working for almost 12 years, but I really doubt that hawking wicker at Pier 1 has much to do with this.� I have 0 years experience in financial and IT audits.� Is that ok?

It goes on like that.��� I'm not particularly worried, I just think it is quite funny that someone thought I was qualified.