roasted skin


The good news is that I did not end up hitting anyone yesterday. Plus, I figured out what my problem is: I have a sinus infection. That always makes me want to hit people. I have figured out that I only get sinus infections when I live with pets. I spent all of last weekend with a dog. Can I blame the dog? I think I will.

Things are bleak in the American Auto Industry. I am surrounded by layoffs. One guy was just let go that has worked here since before I was born. So people who really need their jobs are getting laid off left and right. And I'm still trying to figure out if I should come back from maternity leave. I'm rather open to the idea of being laid off right now. But that's unlikely to happen.

Things are so bleak that the company cafeteria will be serving a side of "roasted skin" on Friday with the whitefish. No mention has been made as to whose skin it is.

I have now fully realized something that I had heard about, but never really understood the impact of: maternity clothes are not made for 8 or 9 month pregnant ladies. Its true. I looked fine at 6 and 7 months. But I am now the size of an apartment complex and nothing fits. Every shirt is too short. All pants are too small. My stomach actually chuckles at the idea of the meager maternity panels in my pants. They are no match for something that mighty. I could conceal vast quantities of contraband in the crevice between my breasts and stomach. I think I'm going to just wrap a king-sized sheet around me on Saturday for the baby shower. Maybe togas will be the next big thing after ponchos.

In case you don't believe me...I'm 5 lbs. heavier than I was yesterday. FIVE frickin POUNDS in 24 hours. That is surely just fluid. But its still fluid that I have to carry around with me all day. I am down to 1 pair of shoes and those are getting awfully tight. So maybe I'll have to pair shoeboxes on my feet with the king-sized sheet for Saturday. Its a lot like the movie "The Fly" except that I'm turning into an elephant; my feet will soon be round.

We went to a fancy Target last night. It was in a fancy neighborhood, in a fancy strip mall. Leo and I almost didn't know how to behave, it was so fancy. All of the aisles were clean. They even SEPARATED the clearance maternity wear form the regular clearance clothes. In all of my Targeting life I have never seen such a thing. After checkout, Leo walked right up to the security guard by the doors and attempted to show him our receipt and our bags. This confused the security guard because that Target is so fancy that it doesn't assume that all of the patrons are stealing. He didn't even want to check our receipt! Can you imagine? Like I said, it was one fancy Target.

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