ultra-tasty hybrid uber-cheese

2002-05-21

I've been trying to eat healthy lately, something I can never do. The minute I tell myself that I'm going to attempt this, I get uncontrollable cravings for croissants, chocolate and cheese. I actually had and A & W "Velveeta" burger the other day. A processed food product topped with another processed food product. I'm ashamed to say that it was actually pretty good. This is the sad truth about highly processed, fatty junk food. My conscious brain wants to look down upon such things, but my stomach loves them. I often wonder if people from the past would also find this stuff tasty. If you had a time machine, what would George Washington or Louis XIV or Aristotle think of a Velveeta burger? Would they admire the superior melting ability of the stuff, or would they balk at the flavor?

Which brings me to another point, can one make a gourmet processed cheese food? (I'm sure that's a question you've all pondered many times) If Velveeta's melting ability is what makes it good, could one apply the same manufacturing process to higher quality ingredients? Velveeta (like American cheese and Cheez Whiz) is made with a mixture of cheeses that are mixed together with an emulsifier and flavorings. What would happen if you took some Cabot Creamery Sharp Cheddar, maybe hit it with a slug of kirsch, some nutmeg, and maybe a pinch of garlic and sent it through the Velveeta machine?

My guess is that you would get some kind of ultra-tasty hybrid uber-cheese. A cheese so delicious that obesity in America would likely quadruple. Truly, it could bring the downfall of America. Good Morning America had a story today that mentioned that an appetizer portion of cheese fries contains 3,000 calories. "It's like starting your meal off with two T-bone steak dinners with Caesar salad and baked potatoes and butter, for one person". Now if this super-tasty uber-cheese was paired with crisp, lightly battered french fries...

I took a training class last year in which people were talking about cooking. A classmate offered this recipe:

Take a bag of tater tots and a bag of pre-cubed cheese.

Mix them together and bake them in a casserole until hot and melty

Feed to your grateful husband and children...

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